'whats yours is yours' in the past whenever i hear this, i'll think its bullshit. i'm too afraid of losing, i dont wanna let go of something thats ever so precious to me. and i always believe you have to go after what you really want. determination is the key. but after a while, i began to think this phrase makes much sense. cause if its not fated to be yours, no matter how much effort you put it, how hard you try, your effort will just go down the drain. the harder you try, the harder you fall. you'll end up having nothing, but sheer disappointment and tears. i finally understood this.
i know both of us aren't happy now. or maybe its just me. it just feels like a million knives stabbing my heart. sounds dramatic i know, but do you actually know what it feels. i hate the feeling each time i cry cause it takes time to get over it. i just wish i could be like those kids we saw in the evening. they seemed so carefree, happily running around, playing at the playground. they can be happy over the smallest stuff. and when they're unhappy, its over some kiddish stuff. like no toys, sweets or whatever. no hidden feelings within. when they're happy, they're really happy. even though now we're texting, it just seems like we're replying for the sake of it.
sometimes, i really really wanna give up. i'm tired of crying, being angry, getting upset over the smallest and the most insignificant things on earth. i know you felt like this too. not once i know. as much as you're sick of hearing this, i'm sick of saying it. i'm tired of always complaining to you about you not spending more time with me. cause all that you're showing me are that, games, soccer and friends are more than enough to make you whole. like what you've told me previously.' no matter how much sweet stuff you've done, how nice you are, but just as long as you've done something wrong, it erases everything.' and so whenever i'm angry with you, i'll always try to think of all the nice and sweet stuff you've done for me. how much patience you have during the long courtship. seven months. how you took care of me when i'm sick. how you used to rub my tummy for me whenever im having cramps. how you always used to buy food for me whenever i say i'm hungry, even if its late in the night. how you used to carry my bags and stuff for me whenever we're out, be it shopping or just for meals. how you always give in to me although i know i was being unreasonable, throwing tantrum over small stuff. how you always stand by me and of course, there are many more, too much to be pen down. i really appreciate all these little actions of yours. all these made me fall deeper in love with you. maybe you dont know, but this is how i feel.
i trust you more than you thought i would. i'm okay with you talking and going out with other girls. i won't get jealous unless its really extreme. i know that you want your personal space. you wanna have your own friends. go ahead, im not stopping you. just as long as you let me know. and that you still have me in your heart, i'm perfectly fine with it. if you fall in love with other girls, it just tells me what kind of person you are. obviously, i would be unhappy when i tell you everything yet you don't. you know i tell you everything, i cant and wont keep any secrets from you. i dont want you to be just a boyfriend. but more like my bestfriend. somebody whom i can talk to, whom i can tell anything to. though i know somethings are better left unsaid, i still wanna say cause i dont wanna hide anything from you.
there're so much more to say. but no, i need to stop typing and crying. tonight seems cold and lonely. everyone's asleep. there's no one to talk to. ahh, okay now i sound like some emo kid. -.- i'm not okay. i will be happy soon. i just need to cry and i will get over it.
you might not feel the same anymore, but just to let you know. i still love you as much.
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